Does It Hurt To Die?
by OneLastRefrain
Summary: A Bosco muse of its own. A completed short one shot fic. Warning: Character Death


Title: Does It Hurt To Die?

Summary: A Bosco muse of its own. A completed short one shot fic. 

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters. Don't sue me k?

Note: This was just something I thought of. It's more or less a Bosco-Cruz friendship and learning through one another. Read and review. 

I always wondered if it hurt to die.

And one day I finally got an answer.

I remember she asked me this question a short time after Lettie passed away.

"Do you think it hurt?"

I could never give her an answer because truthfully I didn't know. I wasn't about to lie to her. Not with the amount of respect we held for one another.

So when it happened, I couldn't understand. Everything just flied past my eyes and left me puzzled and confused. I remember the radio going off. 5-5 Crime was responding for assistance at some meth lab in Spanish Harlem. By the time Monroe and I got there, it was too late. The building was in flames, blood was all over the ground, and Cruz was unconscious with two GSW's, one pierced its way through her vest before nicking her heart. The other bullet was lodged into her shoulder.

I sat in the waiting room, the blinding hall of Mercy, observing at the blood that had dried under my finger nails. I stared at it, my body drained from all emotion. My body felt numb and my stomach was twisted. Every slight noise echoed through my head making me flinch with an aching pain. The loud commotion made me sick to my stomach as people were rushed into trauma rooms. It wasn't until now that it started to bother me.

I never liked hospitals. It was always just the mere' fact that every hour someone's heart stopped beating and all that was left was a cold body, soulless and dead. Even as a child, when my ma's friend was sick, I remember thinking that I didn't want to go where you die. It's kind of funny now to me though. I spend hours of here everyday as a cop. And yet, hospitals are probably one of my biggest fears. 

I was always here to fill out paper work and help bring in patients. 

But today...today was a different story.

I saw someone appear out of the corner of my eye, conversing my stare from my hands to their saddened eyes that blinked down at me. "She's awake..umm...they don't know for how long." Monroe spoke with a small nod towards me.

I could tell by the look in her eyes that this wasn't good news. No, this wasn't just a note to tell her to feel better, no, this was more like saying good-bye to someone I cared about, someone I had grown so accustomed to, someone I learned a whole lot about life from in the little time we spent together.

I didn't know if I could. But reluctant from what I wanted to do, and something I had to do, I stood up and moved through the doorway, brushing past her, unable to speak any words. 

I could feel my heart in my throat as I walked down the hall, moving away from obstacles that moved towards me. My eyes reverted to the ground as I walked down the hall, one foot after another. A strong urge of running out of the hospital sounded pretty good to me at the moment, but I knew I couldn't leave. As I passed a room I slowed my pace, hearing several people talking behind the closed door. That's when a line went dead and that horrible beeping of the machine increased rapidly and held up an equal balance. Someone had left there mortal body. 

The sound faded as I walked away quickly. Just the idea of someone stopped breathing this air sent a chill soaring down my spine abruptly. Arriving at the doors to the Intensive Care Unit, I took a deep shaky breath, I pushed open the double doors and began down the hall towards her room.

3C. I could feel my stomach do a flip flop, the acids gnawing at the lining in frustration and an anxiety. 

4C. I thought my heart was going to rip through my flesh and out of my chest. 

5C. I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at the closed door. I wasn't sure if I could do it but before I could comprehend what was happening the door opened and an elderly lady gazed up at me.

"Can I help you?" Her voice went in one ear and out the other. 

"Um...this is Sgt. Cruz's room?" I asked with hesitation. 

She nodded before moving aside in the doorway, her swollen tired eyes staring at me. "Are you a close relative to her?"

"Err...no. I work with her on occasion." I told her, my gaze fallen to the ground. 

"Go ahead. Make it quick though...she's been awake for several minutes...but we don't know for long..." The nurse told me before waiting for me to enter the room. I nodded my head slightly before taking a step into the room and hearing the door close behind me. 

The silence was overwhelming, the only innteruptance was the beeping of the heart monitor that had once died several rooms down. I felt myself hold my breath to match the eerie silence as her bed came into my eye range. 

I observed her for a moment before taking a step closer to the edge of her bed. The helpless and broken look on her face made my body go numb. Her face was as pale as a ghost and several machines were cluttered around her bed, along with an oxygen mask covering her mouth. 

I slowly found a seat and pulled it up to her side before sitting, my eyes glued to her motionless body. 

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't ready for goodbyes.

I'd never be ready for goodbyes. 

"Hey..." I managed as I watched her. She slowly slit her eyes open, aware that I was at her side. I noticed her hand move slightly before placing my hand gently under hers, several IV's piercing her skin on the top. The site made me want to cry but I wasn't about to allow that. I had to stay strong for her. My thumb moved along her fingers as I tried to think of any way of comfort. Her darkened worn out eyes stared at me, waiting for me to say something. 

"You're going to be okay..." I whispered, my throat hoarse as I got choked up in my words, realizing that this was the first time I lied to her. I could tell how much she wanted to say something, but the mask restrained her from doing so. A single tear fell down the corner of her eye which streamed down her temple and surfaced on the pillow under her head. I could feel tears that fought to surface but I wouldn't allow them to. I wiped my face with my free hand.

She stared at me with such an overwhelming serene look, that I couldn't understand. The amount of drugs that she was probably on at the moment, surely made her numb to all feeling. It was better that she couldn't though.

I wanted to say something worth the meaning, something that would serve as a closing to the chapter we had made. Nothing came though, my mind went completely blank as I watched her, my lips parted speechless. Then suddenly I felt like I was hit with a ton of bricks. Totally unaware of what I was saying, I said the only thing that came to my mind. "Ritza...It doesn't hurt to die..." I whispered to her unaware that I was now crying. She stared at me for a moment before responding with a tiny nod of her head before closing her eyes, several tears leaking out of the corners.

I had suddenly had my moment of clarity. I finally understood.

Running the back of my hand along her cheek I brushed away the salty tears that she had cried before leaning foward and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Leaning back into my chair I wiped away my own tears which were soon replaced with others. 

She didn't let go of my hand until the last moment.

The machine sounded several minutes later and her hand fell limp in my own. She still looked peaceful though, and still beautiful with death's kiss. 

That's when I had answered her question and she had answered my own. 

It just took one of us to let go to understand. 


End file.
